Mixing Memories and Desire
by smaragdbird
Summary: When DADT is repealed, John ponders on the risks Lorne took for the last years Slash


There are only a few surprises after DADT is finally abolished. Atlantis is like a high school when it comes to gossip and rumours seem to spontaneously generate in the corridors. Also one of the pillars is probably a hidden Ancient device that puts ideas into people's heads – sometimes good ideas (Rodney's monthly triumph against doom), sometimes bad ideas (never even look at an Ancient machine before you read the manual) or simply spectacular ideas that were either good or bad (one zoologist's alien pet sponge that emitted positive emotions, the Anthropology department managing to turn the air pink, wash powder that makes everything white no matter what colour it had before).

The change in policy had only affected the American military personnel and their partners anyway. As mentioned before there were only a handful of surprises.

Sergeant Miller's crush on Rodney had been long known, Lieutenant Vega had repeatedly worn Amelia's Athosian hair pins and five years after Markham's death everyone from the original expedition team was glad to see Stackhouse sitting closely next to Halling's younger brother Misha.

No, the only surprise for John had been Evan Lorne. Not so much that he was gay, Peter had told him as much when he had tried to make Kavanagh a bit more likeable by telling John about his crash and burn relationship with a SGC Major. After Peter's death, when Kavanagh had come back after Lorne had joined the expedition John had guessed the rest.

No, what had surprised John was that Lorne, who despite being crazy enough to fit into Atlantis, lived a lot straighter to the rules than most of them, had been in a secret relationship with Dr. Parrish for years.

In retroperspective that made everything slide into its place. John remembers Lorne first mission with his first team: Parrish, Steven and Walkers on the planet where they had found Ford – and Ronon, Ronon whose past and presence had distracted John just enough from Peter's death and Ford's disappearance that he could carry on.

It must have started almost immediately between Lorne and Parrish. Steven and Walkers died in the Iratus bug cave and afterwards Parrish transferred to Stackhouse's team while Lorne had requested to have a solely military team that could accompany individual scientists who weren't assigned to own teams on mission. Back then John had thought that Parrish and Lorne hadn't wanted to remember each other of what they had lost. It was something that could have happened to his team just as easily and sometimes he thinks that it would have if it hadn't been for Ronon. Ronon was so different from Ford that there had never been a chance he would be seen as Ford's replacement.

Now he sees that they did it to at least avoid the fraternization rules and to avoid that either of them would see the other die. Something John could never do because Ronon had made clear that he won't fight anywhere but at John's side. Also, he and Ronon narrowly avoid death on a daily basis and having a - having anything with Ronon could, no would have disastrous consequences because at one point their luck will one out and one or both of them will die. That's inevitable.

That's why Kavanagh must have left Atlantis only three weeks after he had come back. His hopes for a reunion crushed by a lanky botanist with dark eyes and a sunny smile.

John thinks about the days when they thought that Lorne and his team were dead or at least when they didn't know whether they were alive or not. He cannot imagine how Parrish must have felt, doesn't want to do it although he has done it each time when he reasoned with himself about Ronon.

John has to admire Lorne and Parrish. Maintaining a relationship over the years in face of the rules that forced them into secrecy and the danger they were in, Replicators and Wraith and countless other threats that had worn the mask of Death.

He wonders if Lorne hurt Parrish during the kirsan fever incident, wonders if Lorne had made up excuses to visit Parrish in the infirmary when the outbreak had begun o afterwards because the botanists had been affected the most.

John remembers Ronon's words: "What we have done together, no one can tell me that that is so easy to forget." He still dreams of that, dreams of Ronon's dark eyes seeing him and only him, dreams that the words meant something more.

When he was in the future it had never occurred to ask Rodney after Lorne. Rodney mentioned him as the general in charge of SGC but no details.

John wonders if he was happy.


End file.
